In my first days of practicing yoga, I was consumed with self-doubt.  Everyone on the mat was better than me. Surely they were laughing at me, that annoyingly accomplished clique in the corner.  I would never stick my foot behind my head. I was shit.

I recognized the self-hatred silliness in it enough to persevere and pursue teaching, which of course brought up more self doubt.  Again and again I’ve been confronted with this girl who shadows my fabulous self.  You know her—she’s the one who always gets it right; makes magic with the flip of her wand, flips her hair in slow motion and never, ever has anything stuck in her teeth.  In other words, my own mythical unicorn.  In reality, however, I stand (in my self doubting mind) before the world with matted hair, with my foot in my mouth (rather than elegantly behind my head), and probably on the floor because I’ve just fallen over.  I want to beat my shadow self senseless.

Yet, she never goes away.  I can’t push her to the back of the closet, or excise her from my being anymore than I can excise my own shadow. And trust me.  I have tried.

Fast forward to today and I receive an email offering me a teaching opportunity which will expose me to a much broader audience.  Guess who wants to respond to the email?  You guess it—self doubt girl.  Why does she always show up at the worst times? My own personal Tom Riddle/Voldemort in a school of talented wizards.  Here I am, right where I started all those years ago.  Have I made no progress at all?  Well, I have, but not in the way I had originally hoped.  I figured that the more I lived my yoga, the less of the awkward self-loathing girl we’d see.  She’d vanish into vapor.  Apparently not so much.  Fabulous.

What actually happened over the past ten years, was that I learned (from John Friend and Douglas Brooks) that I can’t (and shouldn’t try) to get rid of my shadow self. It is as much a part of me as my highest self.  To shove part of myself away, because it’s unattractive diminishes my power for growth.  A LOT.  Douglas Brooks teaches us that the brighter your light, the darker, denser and longer your shadow is.  It’s attached to you.  Get it? It is you.

So what to do?  What to do?  The answer, which really works for me, is to welcome it in.  Offer my acceptance of the shadowy, dark and awkward parts of myself.  Radical.  Imagine if Tom Riddle had been welcomed into the fold? Self-acceptance has that much potential.  Those “shadows” are nothing other than me.  What I do with them is where the real magic occurs.  Remember how his mothers love enveloped and protected Harry when he challenged the great all powerful evil?  It’s like that.  If I can’t accept the darkness, then I also can’t fully accept the light. Dorky girl and fabulous girl need to become BFFs.

This may the most challenging part of yoga for me. Self acceptance of those parts of myself that are not so lovely does NOT come easy.  I am lonely Tom Riddle consumed by darkness and I am Harry enveloped in the bright light of love.  I can’t stand on either side of the fight because they’re both me.   Self doubt (or whatever your own shadow call themselves) will always be there.  There will always be shadows next to light.  And the compassionate embrace of love and acceptance envelopes that darkness and actually allows you to shine brighter.  Good luck.  Don’t forget your wand.  You’re going to need it.

I’ve been thinking about the arc of the super-hero storyline and come to realize a few things.  What kind of super-heroes you ask? All kinds.  The more, the better.  So many of them follow the same arc.  From Hanuman in the Ramayana, to Superman, to the Green Lantern, to Harry Potter.  Now, I love a good super-hero story, and most of us do.  They appeal to us because most of the time, good wins out over bad.  They show us that there is magic and power in the world and we wish we could have a little of that.  Wouldn’t it be great if we were powerful beyond measure?

Guess what?  You are.
I’m not kidding.  You really are.  Let’s set the way back machine to, well, way back.  Back when the Hatha Yoga Pradipika was being written.  In addition to it being a fun title to say, it’s got lots to offer.  Look into it when you’ve got an extra month with nothing to do.  In it, the secrets are revealed.  Within its 600 pages, the book lays out something called “focal points.” They are described like this, “When the opposite forces of shakti unite in mooladhara or manipura chakra, then the explosion which occurs releases the potential energy from that centre.”  (Hatha Yoga Pradipika, Swami Muktibodhananda, p125) Releasing potential energy.  Sounds almost magic to me.  Anusara recognizes three focal points within the body, as orbs of pulsing shakti, the source of creative power within.  One in the core of the pelvis, one at the base of the heart and one at the palate of the mouth.

Ok, so what does that have to do with a super-hero storyline?  I”m getting there.  In most hero myths, the super-hero has a period of forgetting, or unknowing.  They start off average. Like you and me.  Harry Potter lived under the stairs, for goodness sake, not exactly a lustrous start.  Superman began as a midwestern kid who grew up to be a reporter.  The Green Lantern began as a normal guy who was chosen to defend the universe.  Even the great Hanuman sometimes forgot he was great. And life was hard for them.  They would try to do the right thing and end up getting their butts kicked all over the place.

And then—they have a moment where they remember/reveal/first experience their own greatness.  This is always the crux of the story where it all starts to turn around.  Just as evil is about to win, they reveal their powers and good conquers all.  That power takes different forms according to each myth.  For Harry, it was love.  For Superman, his crystal palace.  For Hanuman, it was remembrance.  At that moment, their potential power is revealed, they accept their greatness and save the day.  It’s the same arc, repeated time and again.

What if we had super human powers within?  What if the entire potential power of the universe lie within you, just waiting to be revealed?  Let’s go back to those focal points.  If we practice with remembrance and trust in their power, then we can “plug in” to them, like the Green Lantern plugging into his light to recharge his powers.  And we can express ourselves with greater power.  Maybe we can’t fly, but maybe we can improve on our lives and those around us.

This goes to the two main reasons we practice yoga. We practice to connect to the constant light and power within, and also to express it out joyfully.  We have to be super-heroes to do that.  Remember that within lies the power of the universe, accept your greatness, reveal your heart, go out and do good. And if you have a cape, even better.

Guys in America just don’t do yoga and I know why. Most think it’s too easy and they need a stronger workout. They think it’s for gals. They may be afraid. What if I can’t do it? Others will see my weakness. I am too stiff. What they don’t realize is that yoga can effectively teach them where physical imbalances and weaknesses lie and can help them to significantly strengthen and align the body, increasing the quality of their lives way beyond their expectation.

For many years I thought that Yoga was too gentle and that is why I never tried it. Then one day I decided I needed a change of pace and have an easy workout so I joined the gals in their lunch time class. Thinking that this would be easy and maybe I would get a good stretch. The first pose was cat/cow and it was easy and confirmed what I was thinking. The teacher introduced a concept of moving with the breath and that was kind of cool.

The next pose was Mt Pose and this was like standing at attention just like in boot camp. So things were going pretty well and I was feeling like this was going to be easy. Then we folded forward and while all the gals had their fingers or hands touching the ground with their legs straight, I could barely reach my shins. The teacher brought me some blocks and I thought training wheels for me I can do it without the blocks. But the more I tried the more pain I was in. So I used the blocks. It was all downhill from there. The poses were almost impossible for me to get into. The teacher gave me many modifications which gave me access to the stretch at my beginner level. She offered that each pose informs the next.

I was sweating up a small tsunami and breathing fast as the teacher said we would do some cool down poses.  Cool down sounded like some easy poses were in store but to my dismay they were just as hard but closer to the ground. Hip openers and twists. Wow my hips are tight. How is this called a cool down? Then we moved to Savasana relaxation pose. After all this work instead of going off to the showers after my normal workout this was the best part. As I lay there still sweating the teacher talked us through the relaxation moving through a tour of the body breathing cool air to areas that were tight, exhaling relaxation there. Focusing on the breath we were instructed to let any thoughts that come up float away and re focus on the breath.

After class I was like a different person relaxed and not too sore. This was the best all around workout I had ever had affecting every part of my body mind and spirit. It’s been 8 years now and I still practice every day. Yoga has changed my life for the better in all areas. Health wise I came with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, over weight and no flexibility of mind or body. Now I have normal blood pressure, lowered cholesterol, lost 30 pounds and have tremendous flexibility.

While I am more flexible today there is always more. I found over the years that sticking the pose was not the point of yoga. The journey was more important. The awareness of how my body holds tension and tools to relieve or prevent it is priceless. If your a stiff dude or dudette why not come down on Monday nights at 7:15pm and join me in a journey of discovery and awareness.

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